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Mr. Peanut Takes a Bride

Gary Ives | Cait Maloney

By ten o’clock most of the guests were seated in the church although the wedding wasn’t scheduled to begin until eleven when Barbie would wed Mister Peanut. This was the event of the season. Crackerjack the Sailor and I were in the bathroom sharing a pre-nuptuals spliff when The Michelin Man came in to take a dump. His deep voice boomed up from the stall.

‘Hey fellas, howzit?”

“Coastin’ cool, my man. You a guest of the bride or groom?”

“I’m Barbie’s guest; she’s a cousin by marriage, ya know. Big day, huh? I din’t think that little twit was ever gonna git hitched. “

“Had to happen, Mich, had to happen. I mean Barbie, Christ she’s loaded and one hot chick too. Couldn’t stay single forever.”

“I dunno, too skinny for me. But I reckon she’ll do for needle-dick Mr. Peanut; that the old fart must be thirty years older than Barbie, but then there’s always Viagra. Makes ya wonder, don’t it? Maybe he never read those stories in the tabloids about her and those weekend spanking parties with them nasty Keebler Elves in Malibu.”

“And that ménage a trois thing with the Energizer Bunny and Joe Camel. I seen the pictures on the internet. Whooo Hooo Barbie wasn’t in Kansas anymore after that party!”

It’s the money, gotta be. Shit, Mr. Peanut’s got lots more money than Barbie and somebody said he even has a title over there in England. Them two is gonna be ridin’ high. Gonna be a beaut of a wedding. Sunshine, everybody’s here, yeah a beautiful day.”

“Yeah, but ..

The smell that filled the bathroom was far worse than Michelin’s usual burnt rubber stink and drove us out of the toilet so we headed into church as the pews were filling up fast. Michelin Man was right about the day; it couldn’t be better, perfect weather and everyone in a festive mood, albeit there were a few worries. It had been rumored that the Toilet Paper Bears might try to crash the wedding. Last year they’d crashed Speedy Alka Seltzer’s Bar Mitzva and made off with all the food so Mr. Peanut had hired heavy security. Leo from MGM and Tony the Tiger had armed a dozen Lego men with helmets, tasers and walkie talkies and were directing them from a van in the parking lot. Those Lego bastards, they’re all communists. Didja know that? Commies and so fuckin’ serious. Well I reckon they know the security bit. You ever see one of those little pricks smile? Give me the willies them Legos do.”

Also there was a lot of talk about Barbie’s old boyfriend Ken who had not been invited. What if he showed up? But someone said they’d heard that him and little Peter Pan were shacked up at some resort down there in Jamaica. Said Ken treats little Peter Pan like a prince, had him all dressed up in some kinda spandex lederhosen. I guess some countries don’t have the same laws like we do. I always figured Ken for a fairy. I mean seriously what kinda guy wears a pink boa with speedos? Barbie deserves better, that’s for sure.

In the pew in front of us we listened in on a hot discussion between Colonel Sanders and Sponge Bob. Seems like Sponge Bob had this hot offer to become spokesperson and logo for the Kotex people but Col. Sanders was telling Sponge Bob to hold out for more money.

Oh but didn’t the heads turn when Wendy Hamburger came in with Pillsbury Doughboy. She was soooo pregnant and showin’, and that horny little fucker could not keep his hands off her. He sat there giggling with one of her pigtails in his mouth and his hand up her skirt. The two of ‘em were drunk as lords. Mr. Clean leaned over and snatched that silly hat off Doughboy’s head and told him, ” Stop giggling, you asshole, and keep your hands to yourself; you’re in church for Chrissakes!”

Finally Mayor MacCheese stepped up to the altar and nodded to Aunt Jemaimah the organist who busted loose with a really rockin’ gospel version of the Wedding March. Barbie looked magnificent in a satin gown that showed off tits she’d grown just for the wedding, and of course Mr. Peanut was dressed to the nines, as always. Mrs. Olson, the dear old Folgers Lady, caught the tossed bouquet from her wheel chair. Everyone applauded, but I don’t think she heard.

My but it was a swell wedding. And the reception was first rate. Mr. Peanut and Barbie did a fabulous dance routine to “Puttin’ on the Ritz.” Mr. Peanut worked that top hat and cane into the dance steps. I tell ya them two looked like Fred and Ginger. There was real excitement when Wendy’s water broke and she left in an ambulance. Of course a few had to make asses of themselves. Ronald MacDonald got drunk and pulled down his pants then went on a crying jag, Dough Boy tried to pick a fight with Jolly Green Giant but the Legos tazed his ass and handcuffed him to a van. Last I seen of him he was blubberin’ with Ronald MacDonald in the parking lot. He’d pissed hisself. You always get that with an open bar, The Toilet Paper Bears never showed up, but Smokey the Bear did, and didn’t he bring down the house with his karaoke version of “Itsy Bitsy Teensy Weensy Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” sung like Tiny Tim, or was it Billie Holiday?

About Gary Ives

Gary Ives lives with his wife and two dogs in the Ozarks where he grows apples and writes.

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