Gary Ives

Gary Ives lives with his wife and two dogs in the Ozarks where he grows apples and writes.

Stories by Gary Ives

Lawyers, Car Dealers, and other Whores

Illustrated by Cait Maloney

“Stop clenching your jaw. Don’t grind your teeth, my dear,” Brantley snapped. “Screw you, Brantley. You’re my divorce lawyer not my orthodontist.” “Quite right, my dear Lola, and as such I am bound by oath to advise. Clenching one’s jaw and grinding one’s teeth is bad form in open court. It shows a want of control and …

Jack and Jill

Illustrated by Cait Maloney

Jill was pissed. Jack had moved cattle into the pasture just below the doublewide she rented from the old cowboy. Nell sat at the kitchen table and listened to Jill on the phone trying keep her voice below the shrieking woman level. The words were coming out clipped, unnatural as if she were being interviewed …

Mr. Peanut Takes a Bride

Illustrated by Cait Maloney

By ten o’clock most of the guests were seated in the church although the wedding wasn’t scheduled to begin until eleven when Barbie would wed Mister Peanut. This was the event of the season. Crackerjack the Sailor and I were in the bathroom sharing a pre-nuptuals spliff when The Michelin Man came in to take …

Clown Relief and Aid Providers

Illustrated by Cait Maloney

“Then if there’s no more old business. Before we get to new business, I know there’s lots of you clowns upset about the recent bank robberies. QUIET DOWN, dammit! Everyone’ll have a chance to speak. Now lissen up. We all know them bank robbers ain’t real clowns. I know they ain’t us, you know they …

Happy Valentines, Ringo Starr

Illustrated by Cait Maloney

In 1964 I was stationed aboard the minesweeper USS FISHCATCHER. On our return from a training cruise in the Caribbean we had a much anticipated port visit in Ft. Lauderdale. My girlfriend Frieda, then a student at the University of Florida, planned to catch a ride down from Gainesville to meet me there. It was …

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