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Clown Relief and Aid Providers

Gary Ives | Cait Maloney

“Then if there’s no more old business. Before we get to new business, I know there’s lots of you clowns upset about the recent bank robberies. QUIET DOWN, dammit! Everyone’ll have a chance to speak. Now lissen up. We all know them bank robbers ain’t real clowns. I know they ain’t us, you know they aint us, but your newspapers, and your tv, and that fuckin’ internet has got the whole country stirred up thinkin’ us clowns is on some kinda crime spree. QUIET GODDAMMIT! Me and our Secretary, Miss Lotta Laughs, have drafted a letter we’re gonna send out to all the networks and cable companies. Tonight we’ll give each of y’all a stack of the letters for you to send to your newspapers. Clowns, we gotta nip this bad press in the bud. All right, now the Chair will hear any new business.

In the crowded church basement half a dozen hands went up with angry shouts from rows of clowns where CRAP, the Clown Relief and Aid Providers, was holding its quarterly meeting.

“Okay, okay you clowns, pipe down, willya? Jeeze, let’s have some order. Captain Wiggles I think I seen your hand go up first. So what’s your new business?”

Captain Wiggles stood quiet for a moment then glaring at a spot in the second row of clowns. “Well, some clown, and that clown may well be sittin’ in this room right now. That clown wrote that letter to The New York Times suggesting that the bank robber clowns was Mexican Cartels or your Russian Mafia. The letter went viral on the internet and now clowns all over the world is down on us American clowns. They’re sayin’ were a buncha imperialist pussies tryin’ to lay blame on our brother and sister clowns in foreign countries…”

“Order, Order. QUIET CLOWNS! Please go on Captain Wiggles.”

“Mr. President, we gotta do somethin’ , take some action now. “Mr. President, your American Clowns has been put on the bottom of every international clown listing in the world. USA clowns is listed below Iraqi clowns, your Pakastani clowns, even your North Korean and Greenland clowns. Chapped Lipps said when he was over there in France and Italy wouldn’t none of them clowns give him the time of day, wouldn’t even talk to him. That letter’s a good idea but clowns is hurtin’ and expectin’ help beyond your letters and words. They need CRAP now.”

“Hold your applause, Clowns. Please, let’s hold the applause. Thank you Captain Wiggles. Bunny Balloons, I saw your hand up.”

“Mr. President, this is about Chankers the Clown over there at the Olympics in Sochi. He was part of the international sports clowns there. Them Russian clowns, what a buncha pricks, they used the Olympic Torch set fire to Chankers’ hair. The crowd figured it was part of the act and was laughin’ their asses off. But Chankers wasn’t laughin’ No sir, he got second degree burns. It coulda been a lot worse but some Royal Canadian Mounted clowns, God bless’em, throwed a bucket of horse piss on him. “

“The chair recognizes Pickle Puss.”

“Mr. President. Froggy Face’s midget wife showed me some of his pitiful letters. He had this nice gig at the big circus there in Moscow. Turned out them clowns in Russia seen to it wouldn’t no hotel let him stay. He had to say in some drug rehab place. Come back from his gig late at night to find out dope fiends had stole his money, his suitcase and passport. Alls he had to wear was his costume and the Marine at the American Embassy wouldn’t let him in. Yelled at him to back away from the fence but when Froggy approached to ‘splain he was an American clown the Marine tazed him and called the police. I guess he’s still in the jail over there. His last letter he wanted some medicine for tuberculosis and a case of KY Jelly. The saddest letter from Froggy had a picture he’d drawn of crying clown. Just imagine that if you can, a clown in tears. Whoever heard of such a thing? It’s just too sad. I say this is what CRAP is all about.”

“Please, again hold the applause.”

“Thank you Pickle Puss. Madam Secretary will see to a care package for poor brother Froggy.

(Aside in sotto voce) Lotte, Let’s throw together some Tylanol and maybe a can or two of Crisco. Please see to it.

I think we have time for one more. Before we adjourn does anyone have any good news? The chair recognizes JuJuBee.”

“Yes, Mr. President. This concerns the sad state of employment clowns are experiencing during this economic downturn. Knobby Nickles told me recently that he and some of our Washington D.C. members have petitioned the armed forces for help. Army, Navy, Marines have nothing for us, but there’s talk that the Air Force is considering a clown MOS that’ll lead to a commission as long as the clown is Christian. Seems as there’s a need more clowns in the Air Force brass.”

“Thank you JuJuBee. Any motions to close? Thank you, any seconds. Thank you. Meeting adjourned.”

About Gary Ives

Gary Ives lives with his wife and two dogs in the Ozarks where he grows apples and writes.

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