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Dear Principal Chen

James E. Guin | Allen Forrest

Dear Parents of the Cherokee County School District,

Below I have pasted an email I sent to my son’s principal, MS Chen, Median Street Middle School. I am sharing it with you, because I am afraid for our children’s future. Principal Chen has not responded. I have withdrawn my son, Jerry, from school.

To: Chen, Julie [email protected] (2 days ago)
[email protected]

Dear Principal Chen,

I am concerned with Coach Smith’s behavior. I have emailed him several times over the past two weeks. He responds to my emails, but he only answers the first question in each email. For example when I sent this email:

To: Smith, Coach [email protected] (2 weeks ago)
[email protected]

Dear Coach Smith,

How are you today Coach Smith? My son Jerry doesn’t understand the material you presented in class this morning. Can you give the class more examples before the test on Friday?

Thank you, have a blessed day,
Alice Paranoia’s (Jerry Paranoia’s mom)

His emailed response was:

I am fine today. Thank you.

When I asked to meet with him in person, he didn’t respond at all. While many parents may see this as a sign of laziness, a lack of preparedness, or blame the government, I am not that naïve. The signs are clear. There are three phenomena that may be taking place in Coach Smith’s life. I am listing them in the paragraphs below. You should take precautions because each would be fatal to Median Street Middle School, the school district, and the nation.

My first fear is that Face Dancers are taking over your school. Coach Smith is a Face Dancer. I don’t mean that Coach Smith was a Face Dancer when you hired him. Since his hire and tenure a Face Dancer has stuck its formless head against Coach Smith’s head and “cloned” him. This nasty Face Dancer must have knocked Coach Smith out in the locker room (where I hear he spends much of his time alone) placed its forehead against Coach Smith’s forehead, made a mind print, and took on his physical, yet grotesque, form.

Why not start with someone in a higher position like the principal or the superintendent of the school district? You might ask. This is predictable Face Dancer procedure — they start with the weak minded and work their way up. They do this to test the planet they want to take over.

Face Dancers avoid contact because their skin twitches when they become nervous. I am one of the few people in the world besides Bene Gesserit witches who can detect a Face Dancer. My suggestion would be that we meet together with Coach Smith then I can tell you if your school is being infiltrated by Face Dancers. My son and many of the kids at the bus stop say that Coach Smith announces the class work at the beginning of class and stays behind his computer the remainder of the period. Typical Face Dancer behavior. He’s trying to avoid eye contact. Do you see him in the mornings? Does he attend to facility meetings? Does he eat lunch with the other teachers?

Remember, and this is what bothers me the most, wherever there is a Face Dancer there is a dirty Tleilaxu Master nearby who is controlling him. To learn more about Face Dancers read the Dune series by Brian Herbert, Frank Herbert, and Kevin J. Anderson. I realize that the Dune series is considered fiction, but Frank Herbert, who started the series, often talked about possible futures. I could have never believed that these possible futures would come true during my lifetime.

My second fear is that Coach Smith is in the incipient stages of becoming a zombie. I know you are thinking that zombies (like the ones you see on TV) are all bloody, pale faced, rotten fleshed, and have a gait like a malfunctioning Frankenstein robot, but in real life the early stages of zombie hood are slow. In this critical stage before the person, allegedly Coach Smith, crosses that line from worthless confused human being to zombie, the useless fool becomes irate.

The children at the bus stop say that Coach Smith yells for the simplest reasons. (I realize children cannot always be trusted, and that is why I’m more inclined with the Face Dancer theory.)

“Where’s your pencil!?”

“You didn’t do your homework!”

“Sit down! Shut up!”

“I’m not your mother!” -obviously

If Coach Smith is turning into a zombie, we will have to quarantine him so that the other teachers and students don’t become infected. The last thing we need is for zombie teachers to infect their pupils and have a bunch of little zombie students trampling around the school. I have the zombie hunting gear (full body suit, special duct tape, 100 foot para chord, flood lights, machete) to take care of him. I will use my machete as a last resort.

Now there is a slight possibility, although very slight, that Coach Smith is turning into a vampire. The kids at the bus stop tell me that he sleeps a lot during class, and that his room is freezing. Vampires sleep during the day and these lifeless creatures like cold, dark areas. However, I doubt this because my son also tells me that the 60 ounce container of Cheese Puffs on his desk is constantly fluctuating between empty and full. Vampires don’t like Cheese Puffs. I suggest visiting his room with garlic and a wooden cross tied around your neck to see how he reacts.

I understand that this information is eye opening and may be mind-blowing as well, but it is crucial that you act soon. If you need assistance please email.

Thank you very much,

Alice Paranoia

P. S. Please reply soon or I will assume the school has been infiltrated by Face Dancers. My only option then will be to email the Superintendent of Cherokee County Schools.

About James E. Guin

James E. Guin's fiction has appeared in Daily Science Fiction, Perihelion Online Science Fiction Magazine, T. Gene Davis's Speculative Blog, Untied Shoelaces of the Mind, and The Story Shack. He received an Honorable Mention in the 2nd Quarter of the 2014 L. Ron Hubbard's Writers of the Future contest and second place in Jenny Magazine Speculative Fiction Contest 008. For more about James E. Guin please visit

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