Gideon Bolson | Cait Maloney
It’s hard to be cool. Skinny jeans make you cool, but they make my thighs sweaty. My mother says wearing them puts my ability to have children at risk when I grow up. I guess I should have a kid now before it’s too late.
My skinny jeans are pretty cool though. They’re so cool I get to sit at the cool table at lunch. We were sitting there talking about girls. Jack said he lost his virginity. He’s 14. I wanted to be cooler than him, so I told him I lost mine when I was 7. Jack says I got raped. I don’t get to sit at the cool table anymore though.
I played Bloody Mary at my friend’s house when I slept over. I said it three times in the mirror while the lights were out and nothing happened, so I laughed about it and we played more video games. I woke up at 3AM to go to the bathroom. The toilet got clogged because I ate too much pizza. I was trying to use the plunger to unclog it when the door creaked open and some dark figure started shuffling around. I got all panicky and swung at it with the dirty, wet plunger. Turns out it was Jack’s mom. I’m not welcome there anymore.